If your headed out to rip up downtown with your best buds and girls, you want to make sure you are on your A-game, and try not to cramp your own style (especially because your friends might do it for you). You’ve got half your closet laid out on your bed, trying to piece together an outfit that doesn’t make you look like Cee-lo. A couple of brews already down the hatch, your talking to your mirror as if it were a 5’9 blonde named Ivanna. You are ready to rock n’ roll all night long for sure. But before you get too excited, there are a few things that your going to want to shy away from if you plan on getting anywhere with the opposite sex. Especially if that anywhere is, sex.
Use the word “Cray” to substitute the word crazy in a sentence
“That shit’s cray, yo”, we’ve all heard someone say it. It’s just dumb, and makes you sound dumber. It was cool when Jay-Z and Kayne said it, but it stopped there. Anyone else that says it instantly becomes a 12 year old girl, and a Justin Bieber T-shirt will magically appear on your body (see next style cramper for Justin Bieber related comments).
When you get into the car with your crew, slip in the Justin Bieber ‘Boyfriend’ single
Unfortunately, Justin Bieber has fallen into the too young-too talented-too popular-too much fucking Justin Bieber, category. Girl or guy, listening to Justin Bieber drops your cool points at least 10 points. Out of 10. So your now at a zero…good job.
Walk up to the bar and ask for a Double Shirley Temple
…or any other girly drink for that matter. Just order a fucking Manhattan and rock out with your [insert vulgar sex organ here]. If you order a double of anything with more fruit in it than liquor to begin with, it doesn’t make it less girly. I dare you to do it. In front of people…that you know.
Wear skinny jeans if your a guy/ Wear baggy jeans if your a girl
Nobody wants to see bulges in places. Well, some people do, but most of us don’t. And there is nothing worse than a hot girl with a pair of saggy-butt-jeans. Look at the dude up above! Why can’t you were those pants? Swap trousers for god’s sake!
Use a color-camera flip phone
It’s 2012 right? Did I miss something? I thought you could get a smartphone from Cricket for like $50. This is only cool if your in a cheesy action movie and your using the flip phone for “super-cool” effect.
Carry your phone on a belt clip
Belts are for guns, style and taking off with your teeth…not phones. [Exceptions: if you have a gun on the other hip, if you are a sleezy Wall St. broker, if you have a mullet....the awesomeness evens it out].
Use Siri to text anywhere but in your car
That’s just fuckin’ lazy, and if you can actually get her to work, you are going to look like an idiot shouting into your phone “LOL, that is so cray yo, OMG-send text”.